Anosmi-what?!!

I can't smell.

Honestly. I cannot smell. Anything.

Not just today. Never. I never have the ability to smell. Although this is a common known fact about me amongst my IRL peeps, it still puzzles people. Friends I've had for years will all of the sudden ask me a random question about my non-smellability. They'll shove items in my face and say, "Can you smell this?" Random foods will be thrust in front of me and my taste buds will be challenged. Lengthy discussions are held frequently regarding my lack of senses. I'm just unique.

So now I will answer the question you all are wondering.

Yes, I can taste. Well at least I think I can. I obviously can taste somewhat. I don't eat food non-stop in obscene quantities because I love what it does to my figure. My taster is a little broken and therefore food is more based on texture and consistency for me. I'm not really into meat due to the roughness. I don't do cookies, too crumbly. Cake, fits in with the crumbly category. Lifesavers/Jolly Ranchers/Starbursts= all one flavor. What flavor is that? Juicy deliciousness. I don't like brown beverages. In all reality they probably taste exactly the same to me as yellow, blue, red, green, even purple beverages but I'm racist against the brown beverage. So food is a weird and unusual phenomenon for me.

Another commonly asked question is when I lost my smeller. The answer is I don't know. It's kind of like when you misplace your cell phone. Did you ever really have it? Maybe. Maybe you didn't even bring it with you. Maybe someone stole it or hid it from you. You just really aren't sure. I don't know if I ever had a sense of smell to loose but it's gone and it ain't never coming back.

So now that the FAQ's are answered, here are some deep thoughts from your favorite anosmiac.

• The store Bath and Body Works is ridiculously overrated. Masses of women, shoving each other around during sales for one bottle of cucumber cherry blossom lotion. Seems strange to me.
• Deodorant = Overrated*
• People love shoving items in each others faces and demanding them to take a big whiff. The more disgusting the items smells the more you want some one's opinion.
• Cookies aren't as awesome if you can't smell them baking.
• If there is a gas leak, I'm dead.
• Sour milk gets dranken drinken drunk drinkylooed** around my house frequently. The sign to me that it's spoiled is when it's chunky or it tastes like urine and bee stings.
• Changing diapers, cleaning crap, and hanging out with horses doesn't bother me.
• Do I smell like perspiration and deer? Does my house stink like dog ass? Will all the fart gasses I inhale because I don't need to leave the room when others flatulate, prevent me from being fertile and having children? All questions I have to ask myself daily.
• Try wearing perfume if you have no opinion. Everyone else has an opinion and I promise you no two people in the entire planet like the same smelly good stuff. It's impossible.
• Skunks are cute. Why are they shunned by the world? It's cruel.
• Flowers aren't a great gift. They look nice for a day or two but they die. The lack of smell takes away some of the magic.

Some people think that non smelling would be a curse. To me it isn't any big deal. It's just the way I roll and I do it in style.

Now it's your turn to ponder on it.

Could you life without your sense of smell? What would you miss most if you lost it?

*Chill out. I use deodorant. Well, only because family says I have to.

**When in spelling doubt just make up your own word. It's the best strategy for me.

***Post inspired by Gabby and this cute little ditty.

Pink for October

Most of us know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. My family is extremely aware of breast cancer. Cancer likes our genes and just can't get enough of us. Bad joke, sorry.

I'm never sure how to help the cause for cancer research. Especially with the limited funds many of us find ourselves battling. Then I found this great website that helps promote the cause and get the word out among bloggers. Pink for October encourages bloggers to GO PINK on their blogs during the month and link to the site for readers to go learn more. I love the idea and I'm all in.

Making the actual change to all pink was kind of difficult for me though. I'm not really a pink girl. In fact, last week all the teachers and students at the school I teach at wore pink to kick off the month. I searched my closet desperately for a pink shirt and came up empty handed. I ended up wearing a pink skirt, pink scarf, and pink earrings. All different shades, semi non-matching, and borrowed from friends. I had none of the items on my own. As I entered the school that morning a co-worker saw me and giggled a little and then opened the conversation by saying,

"Yeah, I don't really see you as a pink person. At least you got into the spirit of things."

Whatev lady. I'm a hot pink mess and you can't handle it. Move along.

Seriously though, go check out Pink for October and also The National Breast Cancer Awareness Month site. The latter gives tons of information and great ideas for how to get involved. Let's all do something to help find a cure for this ugly disease.

I love all your guts! Happy Monday!

It's Your Turn to Play Dr. Phil... Just Don't Sweat On Me Please

Exhaustion.

How do you know when it's mono, anemia, or mad cow sleeping disorder? Is it depression that makes your body feel this way? Or maybe it could be just plain and simple, that you are so fucking tired you just aren't functioning. How do you know?

Sleep has always been off balance in my life. When I was in high school I slept all the time. During class, after school, on the sidelines in between drills at soccer practice. I was a healthy sleeper and I didn't have a problem doing it anywhere.

Then college came and I resorted to the sleeping patterns of the average college student. Very little sleep, weekly all nighters, excessive amounts of caffeine. I functioned fine in this situation and every few weeks would sleep for an entire day and feel caught up. I chose not to sleep and thought it was cool.

Now I'm 25 and no matter what I try I can't stay on a normal sleeping pattern. I'll go a month and sleep great every night and feel generally rested. The next month I will toss and turn every night until 4 or 5 am and be exhausted every day. The month following that I'll wake up every 20 minutes during the night panicking because I'm worried I'll fall too deeply asleep and won't wake up. It's quite ridiculous.

I would do a freaking happy dance on a table at a crowded restaurant to CHOOSE to sleep when I wanted to again. Hell, to have the luxury of feeling well rested I'd even strip it all off and offer someone a feel or two. Sign me up baby.

It's been such a significant problem, that in May I passed out at school from exhaustion because I literally hadn't slept in over 10 days. I spent a majority of the summer in and out of doctors offices. I was poked, scanned, sleep tested, and physically violated in search of a solution. The violation was the only enjoyable part. Is that wrong? They medicated the piss out of me and put me on a strict diet and exercise regimen. We've also tried herbal medicine, yoga, massage, relaxation techniques, a sleeping schedule, and therapy.

Still I struggle.

I'm exhausted from trying to sleep. I'm exhausted by all the stress and worry about not sleeping. I'm taking a sleeping aide medication to help with the obvious. I'm taking anxiety medication to assist my anxiety regarding sleep. Soon, I'm just going to heavily sedate myself at all times so I can be dumb and happy.




My greatest concern is that the lack of sleep is seriously beginning to affect my life. I'm grumpy, lack motivation, and generally not that fun to be around right now. You've probably noticed the decrease in activity here and most aspects of my life, except my job, are having a similar lack in participation. I've been allowing my exhausted feelings to be an excuse for everything.

Well, I'm done with that. I would like my life back now dammit!

It's my personal opinion that we've all struggled with the sleep thing at some point. We all have out little 'theories' about what helps and what doesn't. Today I'm ready for your help. I've tried everything the doctors have suggested and continue to stick to their recommendations. I've done everything I can think of and I've read 2,792 articles and website giving ideas and recommendations. There really isn't a magic solution to this problem but I'm thinking ya'll might have some insight I haven't tried. You're smart people so go ahead and play Dr. Phil for a minute and give me some advice. Actually, I take that back. You're all WAY MORE AWESOME than the Philster.

So just tell me what you do to help you sleep in a normal pattern and feel rested and raring to go every day? I'll do anything!

Cartoons found here.
Classic picture of The Philster found here.

You're the Inspiration...

Have I ever told you that I love music. All genres, styles, artists, bands. I love it all. Real love.


I'm kind of an emotional reject. I really struggle at expressing myself verbally. In fact I've lost multiple relationships and even some friendships because of my inability to communicate my feelings. It pretty sad. However, music is a great outlet for me. I feel like I'm able to identify with lyrics and express my emotions through someone else's words.

Musical appreciation however is not something that was instilled in me at a young age. I didn't grow up in one of those homes where the parents introduce many different forms of music and teach expression through it. In fact I don't really remember music being played in my home growing up at all. Well except for the Carpenters. My Dad couldn't get enough of the song 'Close to You'. Besides that though my father couldn't tell you the name of even one Michael Jackson song and my Mom thinks Bob Marley is the name of a cute movie about a silly puppy and his family. No joke.

My parents have other interests and are extremely knowledgeable, successful, amazing people. They didn't teach me music but they taught me many more valuable lessons. However, my love of music was not propelled or even started at home. My love of music came from somewhere else entirely. I'm actually not sure when it began.

I went through the weird stages when I was a teenager and drooled over Smashmouth, Bare Naked Ladies, Korn, and Oasis. However somewhere in my late high school early college years I was introduced to and began to understand the greatness that is real music. A variety of artists crowded my favorite play lists including The Beatles, Bob Marley, Tina Turner, Jimmy Buffet, Garth Brooks, Sting, Madonna, Bon Jovi, Reba McEntire, Justine Timberlake, Rascal Flatts, and so so so many more.

Oh and yes, I did just place all of those musicians in one sentence all together. I said it earlier but I love it all. Deal.

The point of this is unclear except to say that I appreciate these artists sharing their music with the world. They bring sanity into my life. Through various styles of music I vent frustrations, express joy, wallow in self pity, dance, laugh, cry, inspire, smile, frown, and live.

That last part is the key for me. I'm not in any way musically inclined or talented but I enjoy it. For me, music inspires me to live.

What music inspires you today?

TV Personalities I'd Like to F***

Have I told you I have television personalities that I worship? There are two people in which I tivo their show daily, bring them up in random conversations to all my friends and strangers, and have head shot poster of them plastering my bedroom walls. In fact, if I were able to meet them I'm sure I would drool all over myself, cry, and then beg for them to take me home with them.

Those TV PILF (TV Personalities I'd Like to fill in the blank)* are Jimmy Fallon and Ellen DeGeneres. They make me spray fluid every day with their jokes and hilariation. Remind me never to say spray fluid again. It sounded all sorts of dirty. At least I didn't say squirt fluid because that would have been inappropriate.**

Today, I'm focusing on all things Jimmy and Ellen. All bloggers have seen and or participated in the LETTERS post. Jimmy does a Thank You Notes segment that makes me giddy every time. I seriously recommend watching this Thank You Notes video. Anisbut... that's comedy.

So we're spinning the letters post and Jimmy's Thank You Notes with a little JPP flavor and love. Let's see what happens here.

JPP's Thank You Notes:

Dear Life,

Thank you life for not giving me a break. This week I needed another kick in the balls to keep me flat on the ground, not able to climb out of my hole of self pity. So I appreciate you sending me strep throat. I didn't realize adults still got strep throat. Thank you for correcting my lack my of knowledge. Why don't you send a STD my way next. The clap sounds nice.

Suck it,

JPP

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Dear Rumor Willis,

Thank you for teaching me that if I were to ever go on the Ellen DeGeneres show (which will probably happen because I'm that rad) I should home bake a vegan strawberry pie and carry it out on stage with me. Having never seen a guest home bake something for Ellen I didn't realize how freaking awesome and non-stalker fan like it would be. Also, thank you for informing us that your three parents help you be successful in the biz. I honestly thought you did it all by yourself, with your own personal talent, without Demi, Bruce, and Ashton. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

Respectfully,

JPP

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Thank you smart ass parents,

Thank you parents of the five year old Kindergartner that I met this week named Oops. Knowing there are two people in the world that think they are clever and witty enough to officially on a birth certificate let their child and the worlds know he was a mistake, makes me feel much better about my life. I hope you name your next child Accident or if it's a girl Fuck Up.*** That would be perfect.

Impressed,

JPP

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Thank you self,

Thank you JPP for being compelled to buy the High School Musical 3 Soundtrack on itunes this week. It's nice to know you thought you would be able to listen to the entire album all the way through even once without poking your eyeballs out. Even though you were wrong about that fact, it was still okay that you purchased it because you could play it during art at school and the children would love it. The High School Musical album wouldn't make 8 year olds loud, hyper, and participate in awkward body thrusts. So thank you for thinking that purchase all the way through and not wasting 12.99 and risking your personal mental health.

You're a winner,

JPP

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*We're keeping things classy and clean here today. No cursing, inappropriate gestures, or vulgar talk here today.
**Nope, nope. I guess we aren't being classy or clean. Damn, I tried.
***Just back off okay, I thought the result of this post would be different. I'm sorry.

Scare Me and I Might Have to Punch You In the Face

Fall is beginning to peek it's head from around the corner. This fact sends mixed emotions whirling down my spine. Excitement and fear.

I am completely infatuated with Fall. In my mind, it reigns supreme above all other seasons. The others are just so mediocre when compared to Fall. There are the obvious perks such as the weather cooling down, the warm breeze, and the leaves changing colors.

Then there are the less transparent reasons why Fall is simply irresistible. There is the fact that the number of significant holidays in the Fall exceeds that of other seasons. The various concoctions of pumpkin deliciousness that are available is enough to make any treat loving human achieve a sugar high simply by the thought of it. Oh, and the world is wrapped in the color orange. It is my personal opinion that there really isn't a more fantastic, happy color. Fall just kind of does it for me.

However, there is one reason why Fall pushes me to curl into the fetal position at night while clinging to my blankie and chanting positive phrases. A ridiculous childish fear that causes spouts of anxious behavior and terror simply at the mention of it.

Scary stuff.

Scary movies, haunted houses, ghost stories, creepy crawlies, scary practical jokes, creatures jumping out of the dark, cemeteries, etc.

Anything scary seriously terrifies me. Not in the "love the adrenaline of being scared, do it again" way. Terrifies me in a "pee myself, run and hide, nightmares for weeks" kind of way. When somebody scares me my first inclination is to react like this...

The weather got a little cooler this weekend, the leaves started to change, grocery stores filled their shelves with seasonal candy, and my friends busted out the first fall party. The party started out all kinds of great with orgasm inducing pumpkin bread, pumpkin martinis, and dancing. Life was great. Then they busted out the horror flick. My pride took over and I decided to declare myself unafraid, impress the 'cute guy' sitting next to me, and watch the damn movie.

Wrong choice.

My pride didn't remain intact due to the amount of jumping, screeching, eye covering, and shoulder hiding I managed to pack into a two hours. 'Cute guy' claims to have sore muscles from me squeezing the life out of his arm. Wuss. The other movie watchers swear they heard a whimper from my direction and I might have peed a tiny teaspoon when some jerk-o at the party pounded on the window. Oh and yes there have been nightmares and sleepless nights since then. Lots and lots of nightmares.

I would love to tell you I'm exaggerating but I'm not. Not one bit. Scary and I just don't do any kind of good together. It's a sad reality I've had to learn to deal with and every year I try to prove myself to be stronger. However, I'll probably always whimper and curl in the fetal position at this time of year.

So I just have to face the reality that with the changing of the seasons also comes a more frequent changing of my pants.

Get your crochet on!

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your DOWNPOUR of love and kindness the past few days. Your e-mails, comments, texts, thoughts, and prayers have seriously kept me going. I heart every single one of your behinds. Thank you so much!

I also decided that somebody should crochet the saying, "I choose to kick life's ass!" on a pillow. I'll market that baby, we'll mass produce, and make a killing. I'm serious folks, get to handy crafting.

As previously mentioned, the past few weeks have been extremely difficult. To say the very least. Today I was reminded by a close friend that there are little moments every day that make life worth living. So here are a few of those moments from this past week.

• My hyper, spastic, non-cuddly puppy crawling in my lap, lying still, and licking tears from my face
• A voicemail from my mom just saying "I love you."
• The clean feeling after freshly fallen rain
• A love note from a student saying I'm the greatest teacher on the planet (remember that children always speak the truth)
• "That's What She Said" jokes
• A smiley clerk at the grocery store
• Comfy sweatshirts and sweatpants
• Missing all construction traffic on my drive to work
• Fall weather approaching
• Bloggers like YOU!

What little moments have made this week brighter for you? Seriously share for me today. The positivity is contagious so help a sister out. :)